Celebrity Jeopardy Part 1
by Jay Hardrock
Summary: An attempt to make a final fantasy version of SNL's popular Celebrity Jeopardy skits. Please R&R!


Celebrity Jeopardy Episode 1 Rating: PG for some swearing and innuendoes Disclaimer: I do not own the following words: "Auron, Selphie, Sean Connery." Everything else is copyrighted by me. If you wish to use words such as "and", "the", and "it" you will have to contact me to pay me my royalty fees.  
  
Alex Trebek walks on stage. Selphie, Auron, and Sean Connery are standing behind their podiums.  
  
TREBEK: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. We would like to remind our contestants - especially you Auron - that my shoes are NOT urinals.  
  
Auron staggers around near his podium and attempts to throw his buzzer at Trebek. Upon failing to do so, he yells "Damn straight!" and collapses on his podium.  
  
CONNERY: Straight? Well I guess he's not talking about you, Trebek.  
  
TREBEK: My only question is "why?" The scores have reached a horrific low this evening. Selphie is in a staggering last place with a- how is this possible?! Negative two million dollars!  
  
SELPHIE: I'm only there because your questions are mega-hard!  
  
Auron takes his sake jug and beats Selphie over the head with it, yelling "Damn straight!"  
  
TREBEK: Thank God. In second place, with negative five thousand dollars, is Auron, who has answered each question as -  
  
AURON (proudly): DAMN STRAIGHT!  
  
TREBEK: I suggest expanding your vocabulary to more than two words. And, finally, as proof that the higher powers hate me, Mr. Connery is back on the show again with and even more impossible score of thirty-three cents.  
  
CONNERY: Thirty three cents? Lookie right here, Trebek. I have thirty three and a THIRD cents. Also, your wallet.  
  
TREBEK: What?! How did you get that?!  
  
CONNERY (looking through Trebek's wallet): I hope that naked picture is not your mother.  
  
TREBEK: What? That's not a picture of my mother! That's Kuja!  
  
CONNERY: Really Trebek? How does it feel to get it on with a man in trance?  
  
TREBEK: And now the categories. The categories are: "potent potables", "Bosses" , "Genders Selphie is Not", "Summons that Start with 'Shiv'", "Swords", "Famous People Whose Names Are 'Cid'", and "Is This Main Character a Fruit". Here's a hint, the answer to every question in the last category is "yes". Selphie, as you are in last place, you have the board.  
  
SELPHIE: Wow, really? That's mega-cool! I'm so excited! I mean.wow! Wow and that's my name up there too!! I mean. wow!!!!  
  
TREBEK: Since you are far too dense to pick it yourself, I'll go with the category that you came closest to referencing. Genders that Selphie is Not for 400. And the answer is "This is a gender that Selphie is not."  
  
CONNERY: I know what gender you're not, Trebek.  
  
TREBEK: That, as always, is completely uncalled for.  
  
Sean Connery buzzes in first.  
  
TREBEK: Yes, Mr. Connery.  
  
CONNERY: She's quite obviously a man. The answer is "female".  
  
TREBEK: I'm sorry, that is the wrong answer. I will have our contestants remember that there are only two possible answers, one of which has already been said.  
  
Auron buzzes in next.  
  
AURON (drunkenly): Well she's attracted to that Irvine chick, so she's gotta be a male. My answer is female.  
  
TREBEK: That is incorrect! As I've said, there are only two possible answers, now will somebody please just say "male"!  
  
SELPHIE: Well actually, Alex.  
  
Selphie waves Trebek over to her podium. She lifts up her skirt.  
  
TREBEK: ARGH!! That's the most horrifying thing I've ever seen!  
  
AURON: DAMN STRAIGHT!  
  
CONNERY: How come you're the only one that gets a free peep show, Trebek?  
  
TREBEK (queasily): As much as I despise you, Mr. Connery, I will tell you that no one, not even you, deserves to see that.  
  
Trebek rushes offstage and an intense retching sound is heard. He comes back onstage.  
  
TREBEK: Oh my. we'll just pretend that that never happened, and as long as Selphie promises never to do that again. we can go on pretending that she is a she.  
  
Selphie giggles uncontrollably.  
  
CONNERY: Wait a second Trebek, we should get our points if she is a ma-  
  
TREBEK: LIKE SHE IS A SHE, Mr. Connery! Anyway, it is still Selphie's board, but since I am trying NOT to think about what I just saw, the board is yours, Auron.  
  
AURON: DAMN STRAIGHT!  
  
Auron takes a swig from his jug.  
  
TREBEK: No, Auron, what category will you take?  
  
AURON: I'll take..another drink.  
  
He drinks again.  
  
TREBEK: As much as I hate to do this, the board is yours, Mr. Connery.  
  
CONNERY: I'll take "S words" for 500.  
  
TREBEK: No, that category is swords, Mr. Connery! Swords! You did this to me the other way around when we actually had the category "S words"!  
  
CONNERY: I can read, Trebek, and I want "S words" for 500!  
  
TREBEK (frustratedly): OK, swords for 500. And the answer is, "This type of sword is a combination gun and blade."  
  
Selphie buzzes in frantically.  
  
SELPHIE: Ooh! Ooh! I know this! A bladegun!  
  
Trebek's face grows red with irritation.  
  
TREBEK: No, you're close, but not quite.  
  
CONNERY (buzzing in): What is a bladegun?  
  
TREBEK: NO! I'll give you a hint, take bladegun but put it in the opposite order!  
  
CONNERY: What is a.nugedalb?  
  
TREBEK: Not like that, Mr. Connery. Auron, do you have an answer or are you just going to sit there getting inebriated?  
  
Auron, in response, takes a swig from his jug, spits it on his sword, and uses "Banishing Blade" to destroy his podium. He then collapses.  
  
TREBEK: And it's time for final jeopardy. The question is: "What is your name?"  
  
The final jeopardy music plays.  
  
TREBEK: Just write down your name. It doesn't have to be your official name, it could be a nickname. In fact, just write down anything you've ever been called. Auron could write, "Bum". Selphie could write. I'm not even going to think about that.  
  
The final jeopardy music subsides.  
  
TREBEK: We'll start with Selphie. Selphie has written. I can't believe this. "I'm not going to think about that".  
  
SELPHIE: You told me I could write it!  
  
TREBEK: You are pathetic. Let's see what you wagered."mega-cool" with exclamation points.  
  
SELPHIE: MEGA COOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
TREBEK: Auron no longer has a podium and is also passed out on the floor, but he seems to have written on the floor with his own drool. And, no surprises here, he answered "Damn Straight!" And his wager, "bum". Unbelievable. Mr. Connery has written "Trebek's Father".  
  
CONNERY: I'll bet you can't tell why they call me that, Trebek.  
  
TREBEK: And your wager is. "I slept with your mother".  
  
Connery starts laughing uncontrollably. Selphie runs out wearing a cowboy hat.  
  
TREBEK: Where did you get that?!  
  
SELPHIE: I found it backstage! Get it? It's funny! You know, because it's.. mega cool!  
  
Burt Reynolds shoves his way onstage.  
  
REYNOLDS: That's my joke, you little.um.uh..  
  
Auron gets up off the floor, then slips on his drool and falls back down. He gets up again, and chops Selphie in two with his sword.  
  
CONNERY (laughing and pointing at Selphie): Call it Trebek, do you want heads or tails?  
  
Trebek retches again. Auron kills Connery.  
  
REYNOLDS (pointing at Selphie on the ground): Get it? It's funny! More male than a normal girl!  
  
Reynolds laughs uproariously. In response, Auron kills Reynolds.  
  
TREBEK: That is it for celebrity jeopardy. Two of our contestants are dead, along with Mr. Reynolds. Unfortunately they will probably not find anyone to send them and will be back next episode. I am going home and crying for hours.  
  
As the screen fades to black and Trebek walks offstage, Auron is seen hurling his sword at Trebek and yelling "DAMN STRAIGHT!"  
  
Did you like this fic? If you don't like it, go to Russia! 


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